All-Community
ACM
Decisions: Documentary: We are agreeing today that we want her to do it, we just want her to come before she starts;
Topics: Resentment
Discussion: repairs #15, community work, truck, documentary film, George's Progress Report on Unit 15; Retreat; Truck; BLAST report; Retreat;
Proposal: Documentary Proposal
All-Community
Decisions:
Topics:
Proposal File: proposals/prp2002-09-25committee create celebrations.pdf prp-rmd2002-09-25hire George to repair unit_15.pdf
All-Community
Topics:
Discussion: Unit #15 Lease;
All-Community
ACM
Discussion: bond liberation report (landscaping), documentary film-maker, work teams, core values
Proposal File: proposals/move sidewalk unit 11 prp2002-08-10move sidewalk unit_11.wpd
retreat
Decisions:
Topics:
retreat
Topics:
Discussion: conflict, relationship around landscaping & Mary; promises;
retreat
Topics:
Discussion: landscaping. Proposal. B.L.A.S.T. Mandate (Bond Liberation Adhoc Special Team); Discussion; Laird: See hand signs again [all thumbs up]. That's a wrap. [Applause];
retreat
Decisions: create interpersonal skills(?) committee
Topics:
Discussion: conflict. Conflict; What is it?; Why work on it?; Why work in the moment?; Why work on it in the group?; Method of engagement; Method; What's the story?; What do you want?; Proposal: Interpersonal Dynamics; What do you want to do about the conflict?; Storage Bin;
retreat
Decisions:
Topics: Landscaping
retreat
Decisions:
Topics:
retreat
Topics:
Discussion: consensusGround Rules; Topics for Retreat; Concensus; Ingredients of consensus; A format for addressing issues; Options;
retreat
Decisions:
Topics:
Discussion: landscaping
Proposal File: proposals/prp2002-06-01conflicts proposal.pdf
No notes taken during check-in. It is worth coming to the ACM in person just for the check-ins.
Should be finished this weekend, it is going to look well. Chris had used both latex and oil based paint, therefore the paint had to be sanded off. There where places where the paint he had put on had sagged and dripped. Chris had also used a dirty roller, there were little buggers on the wall which had to be sanded off. George used a whole day just sanding.
George put on a super heavy duty Sherwyn Williams primer, which is formulated for making the transition from oil to latex paint. it took two coats, used nine gallons of primer. Hope to finish painting this weekend. We will need some people to clean up afterwards. The dust from sanding has combined with the normal kitchen grease and needs to be scrubbed off.
Management wants to put new linoleum floor into kitchen, maybe wait unti this is done before you clean. Mike W helped last Saturday with some outside painting.
Nov 9 ACM will be replaced by retreat.
300 daffodil bulbs are in the mail room, to be used for general beautification. There is no coordination. People might put them in in front of their houses etc.
Careful, gas gauges don't always work. Safest to put in gas first before you drive. Put a note in when you put in gas.
Mary: Changed incandestent into fluorescent, will put programmable thermostats in. (There was a big bump in power consumption.) Mike has done filters for the winter, Mike W. did swamp cooler.
Halloween, first potluck every ,month is birthday celebrations.
Storm cleaners are cleaned.
Linda will take on printing out the emails for those not on email.
See last week's email by Gwen. Here is an excerpt: We have accomplished quite a lot! I say that the East entrance looks like a truly landscaped area. We have planted 8 trees, 24 shrubs, and 75 perennials. We re-located the Common House composter next to the recycling center. We moved the Common House herb garden to the west of the Common House (next to the Silver Garden). We've tilled the area behind and west of the Common House in prep for the sod installation. We've done some weed barriering and chipping.
Next Saturday we have sod installation on our work party schedule. We need as many hands as possible to make it go quickly and more easily. I'm making a special call to those of you out there who haven't been able to show up to any of our landscape work parties this fall. There are still a few households who haven't been represented at any of our community work parties. Please sign up on the mail room sign-up sheet and lets get this last big work done for the year!
Herb garden has been moved to north of colored path. Perhaps next Spring we could encouraage the cooks to start using the herbs: Tarragon, sage, lovage, lots of Egyption walking onions, oregano, chives.
Composter has been moved to south of recycling. Give it a couple of turns whenever you put stuff in, this will keep thae aerobic bascteria happy which smell nicer than the anaerobic ones.
Shall we make the pad a bicycle shed?
Need energy and ideas for getting a clothes line.
What is left to do in Spring? Clean up the border of our property. They [the city] care about entry areas, and the boundary to other land.
Linda interjected that she heard some resentment.
Gwen: There are holes in the signup sheet. If busy people don't show up for weeks or months. I am working my butt off for the landscaping and am also on the work team.
Vivian: What about people who can't do something, my back is hurting. And I don't want to have to bring it to the commonity every time I hurt my back.
Heather: we should not take too much time away from the documentary proposal.
Mary: I see so much what you are doing, Linda. When I am unable to do physical work, I might ask you: Could I sit with you and follow everything you are doing and follow your job. It would take a full month's worth of working.
Also the Crown stuff that Bonnie took on, whoever will take over from her.
Kay: For work party signups, bring cookies and punch for that time slot. Calling on the phone, errand running. Having somebody show up and give people juice.
Myste: sometimes it gets overlooked that people's lives change. At certain times people can contribute more, at other times less.
Amy H: I am on the work team, and for me it is the first priority.
Helen: I love mowing the lawn, I wanted to ask Gwen if I could do this for her.
Linda: I as an individual have come to believe in the wisdom of this group.
Helen summarized the proposal: a documentary film maker offered to tell a story about our community. Details? Appproach? I don't know.
CV showing her credentials.
Heather: Since most of us don't have the proposal in front of us, we should discuss the general idea instead of treating it like a proposal.
Kevin: is she a comedian?
No, her most recent film was about mothers whose sons have committed suicide.
She also made a documentary about the great peace march.
If we decide that we want to move forward with it, the theme will probably no longer be Helen's moving in.
Kay: She wanted to be present at community events with a camera.
She is not expecting any money from us.
Reluctanc because people felt the camera was intrusive.
Heather: The camera would affect everybody in the community.
What is the difference between this and an article have written about us? Length of time she will be around. She'd be around off and on for a year. people who do not want to be on camera the camera will be able to stay unseen.
If we have objections, she will change it. This is a big concession for a documentary fil mmaker.
Kevin: there is a tradeoff. We all believe in this thing, we want to promote this.
We may not want to be on the microscope,.
Vaughn: It would be a value for the community.
Heather: I am interested in the films that Christa has made, also would like to talk to her again before she begins.
Mary: It would alter the way we live for a year. You certainly don't eat the same way when company is there whom you want to impress.
This would give us an apportunity to let people know what they are getting into when they join cohousing.
It would be a great form of honesty for someone else to come in and look at us.
If we can't behave our normal way when an outsider is looking on we should ask ourselves what is wrong with our normal behavior. it would be good for the community to see those movies.
Kevin: I saw the movie about the great peace march. The film impacted their group of people. it has some effect initially, then the effect went away. Film was sobering, a little in your face, but good.
Linda: did they do it differently because of the film?
Joanne: movie showed the problems they went through, at one time they almost fell apart, Joanne was very moved by the film. It would be something good for our community.
It would make us more aware how we deal with one antoher, help us to be mroe thoughtful.
She seems to have a lot of integrity.
Mike W. I am thinking that it is a good thikng to have her come.
Christa has been looking at cohousikng for about 10 years, and knew about us, but did not have an entry to the community.
She has a full tikme job and a family. This would be her hobby for a year.
She doen's have a crew.
Gwen: I am still hesitant, every time I feel my privacy invaded. It is just a personal thing wkith my privacy. When I am under observation I feel different, and it is not an entirely pleasant thing to feel for me.
Kay: we have had prospective members who aren't yet integrated, at sometimes very intense meetings. I can't really see that it changes our behavior.
Perhaps we will be quite disconcerted if we see ourselves on tape. It can be intersting or disconcerting to see ourselves from the outside. Not a bad thing but interesting.
Opportunity to give the idea of cohousing a name out here.
The fact that some mebers of this group have seen her work indicates that this will go out to people who are receptive.
Heather: she did film the welcome committee and she did not disturb the meeting. Look at it as something for ourselves, something we could really use as a conscious growth tool.
Mike W. The first ACM I attended had a couple of conflicts. I was impreessed that the dirty laundry could be put out and ironed out in the same meeting. It could be part of the film that we do that.
Mary: we think in terms of ourselves, how does this affect us? This will also save people who do not belong in cohousing. if that keeps the person aout of cohousing, this will be a benefit. It is better if we can get the right fit the first time.
She might also interview a couple of people who have left the community.
Amyh T: This would be a good thing to do. Every day we have things to adjust to. In sports such films are very valuable. All those little nuances you don't notice otherwise.
Hans: I am in favor.
Vaughn: is she still interested?
She just got back from a documentary film school in Maine. 4 people in the school, privilege to be invited.
Linda: I am in favor, have some hesitation. There are things I don't want to know. I wouldn't hesitate for a second for a film about Aikido or my job, but this is my home, where I am supposed to be able to let my hair down.
When the journalist was here the energy in the dining room was completely different.
Having said all that I am not sure it is a bad thing.
It sounds like something we should do. it is a good thing to let know about cohousing, for the people who don't know they are looking for it.
We would get used to that, we would not be eating pate every night.
I would like to have written assurancxe, that we would have final edict.
She is doing it with integrity.
Right to review and make suggestions, but you can't have final editorial power.
I have been burned bad by the reporter. It was about me and it was in the paper and it was bad. Other people said it was not so bad, but I took it very personally.
Vivian; if Hans takes minutes, this does not prevent us from speaking our mind.
Heather: I would like Christa to come again and meet with her before she starts. Would she give us notice every time she is coming? What are the legalities, etc. We are generally in favor of assisting in the creation of the documentary.
In a timely manner, invite her to the next ACM she is available for.
We are agreeing today that we want her to do it, we just want her to come before she starts
Everybody agreed, no stand asides.
Maybe we can link her into the email list.
Linda will make attempts to print things for those not on email.
Paul Smyth has agreed to come; has agreed to come to the ACM on October 23rd, Sat Sun 9th and 10th, and perhaps a follow-up ACM
900 dollars. Every household would contribute 25 dollars. If everybody contribujtes 38 doillars we have the cost guaranteed.
He is offering us more than we asked for.
That October 23 ACM is the meeting where we will have a draft of the vision statement ad core values.
2 days of retreat, then additional follow-up.
What are the times, Sat 9-5, Sunday 9-3.
38 per household.
Linda: it would be fair to divide it by adult indikviduals.
Kevin: He is a Ph D psychologist for 5 years, worked in labor relations, different types of therapeutic and intentikonal living type groups. One community he was in met 24 hours a day for a year. He has written books. leader effectiveness training (LET).
Paul Smyth, older guy, offers a lot of wisdom.
Surprising he is amazingly flexible, able to envision almost every side of every problem.
Heather: the teenagers are encouraged to participate. Younger kids have child care,.
The whole retreat is focuesd on defining our vision statement and our values.
We wikll have a draft for the ACM. it is a recommended donation.
34 adults. 30 dollars per adult. suggested donations.
Some poeople are willing to help cover the costs for people who cannot pay.
We have two empty homes, therefore it is only 24 households.
Mike P is handling the money.
Amy T.: 30 buck for 2 days of group therapy is good price, it would cost 50 dollars an hour otherwise.
Hi, I was skimming through last week's messages before deleting them, and wanted to correct a garbled quote in the 9/16 ACM minutes.
>Kay: I rented once and the landlady shut off my water for >non-payment of rent.
The landlady let the water bills pile up, several times long enough the water actually got shut off.* However, I don't remember the health dept threatening to shut down the apartments -- which was the point I was trying to make. Maybe the water has to be off for a week or more before the health dept involves themselves -- our water was never off more than overnight, because if Mrs P. didn't pay it immediately, one or more of the tenants did, deducting it from their next rent payments.
(For $165 a month, 2 blocks off-campus, heat paid and cats okay, you can tolerate some aggravations.)
Thanks for the note taking, Hans; given the volume of detail you record, the mistakes are impressively few.
Kay
Mike P reported on Utah Street & Madison Estates construction. Ivorson can't put down roadbase until the road dries out. Scott Wiler will probably not require us to put in curb & gutter, which would cost about $10 per linear foot, for around 4,000 ft. The big cobra head lights may get replaced with subdivision-type lights. Projecting that it will be finished sometime this fall. UPL needs to move power poles.
Kevin confirmed curb/gutter estimate, $8,000-10,000 from two separate estimators. That money is in the reserve requirements as a likely expenditure. If curb/gutter becomes unnecessary the formula changes.
Kay requested an okay on possible no-smoking signs for common house doors. The no-smoking policy was approved about two years ago, but made no provision for putting up no-smoking signs. Kay would like to put signs on the door to the mailroom and on the double doors into the dining room, in guestroom & small backroom in kitchen hall. Consensed [at end of meeting], okay to put signs on three doors and in two rooms.
Vicky reported that the bins for giveaway clothing have disappeared. If anyone has taken them please bring them back. Donated items will be picked up Monday.
A sensei will be at Shriners. There will be an aikido potluck tonight, 6:00.
There is a woman who lives on High Street with some sort of mental illness who has been here several times, for instance telling a taxi she lives in #7 and to come back for her. About 48, 5' 8"-9", wears skirts and nice clothes, stocky.
Scandijam is on the 28th. Musicians will be here, the Norwegian & Swedish clubs, the dancers, potluck 6:30. Everyone is invited. Lots of children's dances. Videos of dancing.
Speakers from Senegal & _? speaking on impact of IMF and WTO on their countries and economies and resistance to them. Westminster College, Gore auditoreum, this Friday 20th, 5:30-8:00.
If anyone in garden wants to donate zucchini, eggplant, or tomatoes to be grilled, Steve will prepare them for a community dinner & veggy owners can take home leftovers.
Saturday the 21st going-away dinner for Donna, Paul, & Colleen, 5:00. Bring photos & memories to share.
Careseal is having sale today, music cds & records.
Values committee hasn't met. Having trouble finding a facilitator for the retreat. If you know of a local facilitator, give their name to the committee. Jon, Heather, Lori. November 9 & 10.
Common house committee needs to start meeting again. Anyone interested in joining let Mike P or Vicky know.
Dining once had a donation fund for people to draw from for cards when their budget was tight. Sign up to clean or cook if you have a $3 card. If you are having trouble affording a card see someone on the dining committee. Okay to charge more for a special meal rather than keep it within the $3 range, posted in advance as a more-expensive meal. Still wanting to bring up the issues of haviang everybody participate, having a uniform price but still charging more for guests, will probably be presenting that for process. Be thinking about that. Susan McFea left a $50 donation, can that be used for the dining donation fund? Kevin suggested that cooks request donations from garden. Please return any common house dishes, especially bowls, down to six from forty originally.
BLAST hasn't met. Mike P asked about one more work party to put weed barrier in areas that were cleared but where weeds are coming back.
Liaison to city. Mike P reported on UTA meeting, proposing to change bus routes. Maps of current and proposed routes will be posted on the bulletin board. Utah is proposing tying route #66 down California to the Ballpark TRAX station, tie #17 into the TRAX station. UTA is talking about doing away with loop that #17 makes to 1300 South & Montgomery Street. Changes will be effective April of next year. UTA is pretty responsive to comments. Next meeting Thursday Sept 26 at Glendale Senior Center.
Property tax appeals are due on Monday by 5:00 p.m., the 16th, at the County Bldg 16th S State. Bonnie is handling appeals for the CROWN units, her own and Linda's and would be happy to carry anyone else's to deliver. The trend is the evaluations are falling 10 to 20K below original purchase price.
Management needs a new member to replace Paul. Trying to get in touch with Hans to see if he would be interested. Mike P will do legal research on changing CC&R to allow renters to be on Management. Two people's terms end in January. Meets on Wednesday nights.
Letter in internal boxes that Mgt sent to Chris Harris. Mgt has been through a six- to eight-month process with Chris over rent payment and other issues. He will be leaving at the end of the month, sooner if not caught up with rent. His car is not working & needs to be out of the lot by the end of the month. May request him to turn in common house/workshop keys. Anyone concerned about this can attend next Mgt meeting to see the documentation on the problems. This has been a learning experience, may want to discuss in ACM. That's a tough unit to rent to find someone who wants to stay for a long time, which in spirit of crown program is what we are looking for. Bonnie has min-max figures for income for that unit.
Any alternative to convert that unit from crown rent-to-own? Maybe bring problems to community at earlier stage - transparency. Initial problems with Chris did improve for a while.
Hugh: The unit was designed for an older single woman initially. That may have been a mistake.
Vicky: Have had two tenants who would have been ideal if they hadn't fallen in love.
Bonnie: Unit has not yet been restored to rentable condition, will cost about $1,500 as estimated by George.
Jon: Wants to put in a plug for more thorough sceening, but like hiring for a job, don't know how will work out until person is in position. Can't innoculate against all problems.
Kevin: That's a difficult unit to rent, need a person with green skin and purple hair.
Gwen: We have never been in lack of someone to fill that unit. We're helping people to help themselves, opportunity for people to be part of community that they aren't priced out of. May not be the same person who buys it who has lived there. Have had changes in home owners too. Have had irresponsible home owners. Would have liked more cmmunity involvement to support both Chris and Mgt. Felt trust violated by things taken from common house, bottles of wine & food, if gifts disappeared couldn't even thank the giver. Feel we should be asking Chris for his keys to community facilities.
Mike: We looked at Crown program to give us diversity. Learning experience for crown people and for community. Overall feel has worked well. Diversity is not without problems. In long run still a good thing. Single person much more mobile than some, end up getting with another person or moving on. The more transparent things are the better, yet still a fine line when to bring it to the group. Can see an improvement in the way we handle these things.
Jon: We keep coming back to issue of safety. We have had people who had trouble paying rent, but more to this than that. Safety issues need to be brought to the community more quickly. Other communities handle that with one meeting per month devoted just to processing interpersonal issues in the community. This issue, that some members didn't feel safe with that individual, probably needed to go to a meeting like that.
Heather: I feel really personally involved in this issue. Mgt's time for entire meetings was taken up with this issue, strong resistance to taking this to the community. I raised specific objections to Chris being on Blast, felt they were not acknowledged by other people who had had problems with Chris. Mgt put out agreement trying not to humiliate Chris. There were a lot of things about Chris we were hesitant to face, until this last mtg where we faced that Chris has been quite dishonest with us. There were ways this came to the entire community, and everyone felt uncomfortable and unsure.
Steve: Two things. Difference between renters and owners, we do have a long history of problems with owners, like JP who didn't participate for a year, we didn't deal with Franny. Important we don't make distinctions between owners and renters; if we have a standard apply it across the board. In his own experience with Chris, had the shock of hearing him say he'd taken car Steve loaned him to look for a job, to Vegas with two other people & hitchhikers. Chris got very aggressive when he asked for the key back, said he was punishing himself by letting car sit there instead of it being given value by Chris driving it. Chris argued what difference does it make if he drives car to Ogden instead of looking for a job, didn't seem to hear what Steve had said. Maybe have a group of people, not just one, ask for keys back. With Chris it is difficult to feel a conversation was understood the same way by both parties.
Bonnie: Unlike owners, crown renters have to sign leases with very speciic agreements. Everyone should be held to the same standard, but there are legal issues. When we met Monday to discuss the utilities being turned off, the question of getting the key back came up. We felt if he was going to live here, he should have the same access as anyone else. We need to decide today, are we going to ask for keys back, how are we going to do it, who is going to do it?
Kevin: I want to clarify my earlier statement about a person with green skin: That unit has a limited market, a single person, not planning to get married, not too old to go up stairs, not too much stuff. I would be interested in protecting my investment in the workshop, would be willing to help.
Wim: If it is a question of safety and items in workshop, we should ask for keys back. Should be several people, if he attacks someone there is a witness.
Kellie: I wanted to clarify, his water is shut off, if we take away the key he doesn't have a place to shower. However, I have felt some resentment at having to clean up after him showering in the common house. I feel we should get back keys.
Lori: We should do something when a person drops out, when it first happens. I would like to see the locks changed, for safety.
Hugh: It might make sense for community to pay for water to be turned back on.
Jon: For an individual who clearly has thought distortion going on, when you set limits the person feels they have less to lose. One thing we have with Chris he is still on parole and very conscious about that. It feels odd to take away the keys and let him go on living here. I won't block if the community decides to do that. Maybe think about just evicting him now. There's a risk of him wanting to take revenge. Keep eyes and ears open.
Mary: Quite often in a condo, there is a statement that if more than two months behind in payments, the tenant is locked out of clubhouse, pool, laundry. Just taking away the key is not enough, no guarantee there aren't more keys. I had no idea he was behaving in aggressive manner or items were missing. Anyone not present here today should be spoken to, to get a heads up. If he stays we need to get water back on so he has access to a toilet and unit doesn't become totally unrentable. Talk to people coming in, say we have had situation before, we will not tolerate violation of community trust. Children need to be told we are concerned that a person is not thinking clearly and maybe shouldn't be trusted.
Mike: My feeling is Chris will be as happy to be rid of us as we will be to be rid of him. Chris isn't used to having limits set. Most nights there are doors unlocked in the common house anyway. If we come down in capricious way it could cause a greater problem. If we do talk to him, do not leave it to a few individuals, it is a community issue. Approach him as a community. I wouldn't even change the locks. Like living in NY, lock the car it just means your window gets broken.
Larraine: I'm thinking the opposite, if we change the locks we wouldn't have to confront him, which might set him off.
Heather: Can we continue this for anoather fifteen minutes? [Agreement]
Amy H: I have talked to Chris since the letter was delivered, feels he is ready to move on. I don't think he has keys, has borrowed mine a dozen times this month. Solve rental by turning stairs around and making place a two-storey.
George: It feels really easy to be tough with Chris when he isn't around, but when I sit down with him I find myself forgiving him. I sat down with Chris and showed him in the lease where he can't modify the unit; a week later he has screwed a table to the wall and built flower boxes. He justifies everything in his head and really feels he has done nothing wrong. I don't think we're ever going to get through to him, he turns things around in his head. Chris damaged my table saw, wanted to use it again, by end of conversation I agreed to let him use it again, he will be here tomorrow. I have a really strong feeling we will not see much of him before he's gone. If we don't turn on water and let him have access to the common house he will be here even less. The apartment is mostly empty.
Bonnie: I need to leave, let me know if this should be on agenda for Mgt mtg Wednesday.
Joanne: It's a legitimate concern about tools in workshop. There is very easy access. We might change the lock on just the workshop. I don't think anyone is going to drive down from Park City just to do anything in the common house. There are a lot of locks in common house that would have to be changed. We will have to turn water on anyway. It will be $108 to turn it back on.
Steve: Tell him there have been concerns about cleaning in the common house, so we are turning on the gas & water.
Jon: I feel that setting a limit is what gets him to get it. The more I listen to people the more I like idea of turning on gas & water, telling Chris he can't be in common space without supervision. We will still be able to maintain some relationship with him. I feel when Chris feels he doesn't have a relationship he is more likely to act out. Enforce the limit on him being out on 20th.
George: The kids found his keys, they were in a sofa out back, he has them back.
Heather: We have to turn on water to paint the unit. I would vote to turn the utilities on. I feel the only reason he wanted to stay until end of October was to maintain an address for parole. His partner in a lot of this behavior, including the food & wine, was Kris Baker. We should bring that up with Donna. Chris left the night he was given the letter and hasn't been back since. We might check that there has been no food in the refrigerator of #15. Worrying about whether he can use the facilities here might not be important, since clearly he has found a way to use facilities elsewhere.
Mike: The idea of changing the keys to the workshop is a good idea. A separate key is a good idea because of the value of the equipment. Wait until he is gone to change locks; if I found locks changed I would be pissed, might smash a window. Go to him with as big a group of possible, so he understands we feel hurt.
Lori: He quite often brings friends, and that's why I am concerned about safety. I would like to see locks changed. I feel angry that we have to spend this much time and energy on him.
Kay: Everyone going to John Noorda wasn't a success. John was much more rational dealing with just a couple of people about his emissions. Bringing Chris to a meeting would be one thing, everyone going to his house would feel like a mob.
Mike: By working with him instead of evicting him in April or May, he paid his back rent, and we are ahead several thousand dollars.
Heather: Proposal - turn on utilities, gas, water, lights if necessary. Ask for keys. No unsupervised access to common space. Chris has felt outnumbered and attacked even at Mgt mtgs, seven people; on the other hand he has a tendency to try to make factions, talk about things other people have done to him.
Jon: Write a letter saying this was the decision in ACM, three people take it to him and say they are just here to collect the keys.
Wim: Is it legal to ask him for the keys? [Yes. He hasn't paid September rent.]
Kellie: Have particular people to supervise him, George in the workshop.
[someone]: Not just whenever, at a time mutually convenient.
Mike: Supervisors to be adult male members? Anyone who doesn't feel comfortable?
George: I'm willing to do it in workshop, but tired of dealing with him and don't want to do it elsewhere.
Heather: If the letter says no unsupervised access, Chris may not want to.
Amy: I would be willing to supervise him doing laundry.
Heather: I don't feel we need to specify male, the safety issue not at that level.
[someone]: Kris Baker is legally adult, still part of the community as long as his parents live here.
Consensus: Write a letter asking for the common house keys back, several people to deliver it.
Meeting ended with holding hands in circle, 12:30.
Monday September 16, 2002.
On Thursday, September 16, 2094 1:17 PM Heather Hirschi wrote:
Subject: [WaCoHo] EMERGENCY ACM TONIGHT-7:00 PM
Dear Wasatch Commoners.
Today Wasatch Commons Condo Homeowners Association received notice from the Salt Lake Valley Health Department concerning the water shut-off in Unit #15. The letter orders the immediate restoration of water service and will be followed up by a Health Department inspection on or after September 17 (tomorrow). The letter also indicates that other utilities must be functioning and any lack thereof may be "prima facae evidence of a health or safety hazard sufficient to require closure". We know that the gas has been turned off; the electricity appears to be on. Joanne is making the water payment now and has been assured that water service will be turned on by 5:00 pm today. This situation requires that we revisit the decision made at Saturday's ACM, however onerous the task, due to implications for the entire CROWN program and other extenuating circumstances we did not consider at the ACM.
Please attend an emergency meeting tonight at the common house at 7:00 pm.
Presentation of budget and timetable. Labor costs are assuming that Desert Dwellers does all the work. Jeff is fine with us supplying materials, doing work, or anything else to hold costs down. This only covers Cheyenne south and around the common house. Jeff will show us how to switch irritation to drip which will save money if we do the rest. We will assess on the first Sunday to see if we need to encourage more community participation and if we like Jeff's work. Even if it takes a community member twice as long to accomplish what Jeff can do, that's still a savings of $17 to $25 per hour. Once this is done we look at maintenance, both current and future. Consensed (thumbs up), no stand asides.
Interested in somewhat standardizing leases, reviewing them, helping owners with them. Will announce a meeting on the subject.
Committee is George, Mike W., and Mary, was asked to join when Gwen left for bond liberation committee. Will be meeting Monday July 1st with CROWN people. Mary can be here during weekdays to supervise repair people, make calls. The committee will have a repair day about once a month. A maintenance request form will be available in a few days.
If you want to change the month you are on the work team, put a note in Bonnie's box. Bonnie would like Neil to be on a team with an adult sponsor. Be thinking about who on the work team can be on the Work Support Committee. Will get out a list of monthly, quarterly, yearly tasks. Solitary work proposals are postponed until after the values discussion. Can open the question of Colleen S's recycling work then if necessary. It was regarded as a management issue when she proposed it.
Christa is a documentary film-maker interested in cohousing. She would be around for about a year, covering move-in of new member Helen (moving in Saturday) and her integration into the community. Christa has been a film-maker for about 25 yrs, focusing on ecology and social justice. She has been wanting to do a film on the social dynamics of cohousing. Worked for tv for about 12 yrs. Filmed Helen's orientation with Vicky and Gwen. There's no intended destination or distribution of the film currently, that depends on the film. Group would have the powr to say if we didn't want something in. It would be just her doing the filming. If there were individuals who didn't want to be filmed she would respect that. There would be the possibility of the film being useful to cohousing introductory meetings. Helen said it was easy to forget Christa was there after the first minutes at the orientation. Christa would be here for some events, occasional meals, but not every day. Mostly around Helen. She could give warning of when she will be here.
Vaughn said Tree Utah has had lots of documentation, and in the long run it has always helped Tree Utah. His expeience of being filmed is the first few times you're really self-conscious, then you just go on with what you're doing.
If we let Christa film Helen's move-in that gives us more time before we have to make a decision about committing for a year. This is a little too big to decide quickly. This is our home, our living room. Bonnie would like more time to consider this and to see a written proposal.
Thumbs up for letting Helen's move-in be filmed - consensed. Helen will work on a proposal with help from the Process Committee.
We are finding we come up against this with every proposal. Proposals have been grinding to a halt. Want to keep working on issues, maintain the progress Laird started. Would be useful to be able to sort issues, core value issues go to the community, others to a committee. With values in place can trust committees with their mandates. Laird said this is the stumbling block for cohousing communities; they come together around building, then project values onto it. Process wants to know (1) if we support this, and (2) when do we want to do this?
Maybe do single days instead of a weekend, might work better. Would spent a Saturday figuring out the question, then scramble to do it on Sunday. Get indigestion doing it all at once. With participation we took months, shifted and evolved as we spent time on it. Devote part of every ACM. Have a 15-min conversation at common meals and come up with one value, or get together with monthly team and bring one value to the next ACM.
Laird recommended using an outside facilitator. An outside facilitator can influence the direction . Find sheets we came up with during winter that Helen saw when she toured in January. Have written things so people can rate their values. Breaking up into separate meetings means different people at each meeting, same value can take different direction. [from a number of people] Good to break into multiple meetings. Put suggestions for approaching this on email or in process folder.
At least two differences of opinion and at least one emotional upset.
Our background experience has often been that working on conflict doesn't resolve issues, maybe boils over. [Reasons offered by group] Builds stronger relationships. Demystifies conflict. For some people conflict equals ill-health in community. If not afraid, you work on conflict at an earlier stage. Learning opportunity. Validates people's worth. Community building. Develop higher level of trust. Establish values. Upset can be information source. Feedback loop. If you insist you only accept information in a pretty package, you shoot yourself in the foot.
Taking time out can break gearlock, but there is a small envelope of time before you edit what happened in your head, when you can see your own behavior. [Story about getting his wife to start fights so he could be the victim. He could only see it when it was pointed out exactly at the time it happened.]
Find models of behavior outside your own experience instead of reinventing them. Teaching mechanism. The rest of the group, the nonprotagonists, act as a safety net. The group wisdom is greater than individual wisdom. Have to be more honest, can't spin it the same way. A third party can say things a belligerent cannot, can call a person on distortion. Support each other in moment of conflict. Step forward to facilitate as nonbelligerent.
Need a range of options how you deal with conflict.
Get them on the table. Acknowledge. Not take sides, not determine truth. Be heard.
There was usually a triggering incident. Don't see the group as a tribunal. Don't go for truth with a capital T, go for relationship. Focus on the gap between the stories.
It can be hard to take the step from a negative "story" to a positive "want". An outside observer can ask questions to draw it out, read clues based on story. Ask, Is this it? Person says yes or no. If no, try again.
This might be a place to take a break to allow a change of gears, but a break might let emotions be edited and move away from honesty. Group can decide to work on the conflict immediately, or to name feelings and decide either to let the belligerents work on it on their own or to schedule a separate group time.
If the conflict is spilling over onto the group, can have a group agreement to raise question in group, is this now group business? This will only work if it's okay to say no. Be problem solvers but not a court. A belligerent can want group to listen without necessarily wanting them to do anything, if just needs to be heard. Have boundaries around raising the question of group involvement and mechanisms in place. A "ministry committee" can be with people in conflict. Be in favor of continuing a relationship but allow the option of ending it. A belligerent is obliged to talk about the fact that the conflict affects the group, but is not obliged to talk about the conflict in group, can say no. What are the consequences if someone doesn't show up? Be explicit about the expectations of the group.
Break
Assign to the Process Committee the job of doing a proposal to create a team responsible for working with individuals. People can come to them with problems, ask what would be a friendly thing to do. Don't make an agreement to promise something you can't deliver.
What is too much? Need a process to decide that a behavior is over the line and that group cannot be nonjudgmental. Need boundaries about caretaking. What can we do? Is it worth the effort? This is a group decision. Is there energy to go forward? The group has to want to. The outcome may be the decision that it isn't a community issue.
What is the appropriate response if one belligerent isn't there? Consider when is the next opportunity for them to be there, what's the urgency of the issue?
Members may bring to the group their concern that there are interpersonal dynamics that are affecting the group adversely. The protagonists are expected to engage in a good faith effort to show up for discussion of whether the adverse dynamics make the conflict group business and what everyone wants to do.
The Process committee will come back with proposal for creation of a standing committee whose job will include
Model, thumb up yes, sideways
Stand asides. Chris: redundant, already have this ability, seems unnecessary to have this agreement, no opposition. Mike W: not ready to say reservations, will say at later point, but not enough to be unable to endorse this.
Consensed.
Note: not what you want others to do. If the first steps have gone well, you generally get a relaxation and creativity. Measurable statements. Demonstrate that they are making a good faith effort to build a bridge, something you can tell that happened. People sometimes jump over the intermediate steps from #1 to #4, and don't get good results. If you get into #4 and then cycle back into conflict, the intermediate steps haven't been finished.
Peel back from positions to discover underlying interests. Build bridges from interests.
Choices when you are upset.
Waiting to work through feelings isn't necessarily ignoring. The options aren't mutually exclusive. Changing your feelings is not saying the triggering event was okay. A key skill for a facilitator is to translate what one person says to something the other can understand.
Break. Reconvene 11:50.
Give checks for donations to cover cost of weekend to Linda, payable to Wasatch Commons or WCCA. Donations to cover food, put in tin on serving table. To purchase any book, make the check to Fellowship of International Communities, and give to Linda.
Session 8.
Relationship around landscaping & Mary
Her contributions to the community have been limited by health and inclination. Her contributions have been primarily in landscaping. She is willing to step aside on common area landscaping. To some extent she is being isolated in the community, a group dynamic. Going forward without Mary is a set up for increased polarization & isolation.
Laird: Everyone reflect on their personal responsibility for why it hasn't worked. [A lot of hands.] What if anything can you offer for moving in a positive way? Where do we have hope & motivation for doing something different? Steve modeled the kind of think I am looking for, last night. This is not attached to Mary's role in landscaping, it is attached to Mary's role in the community.
Mike P: This is what we will do individually, rather than as a group?
Laird: Yes.
Paul: If Mary comes up in conversation, I won't say something negative without something positive.
Kevin: I fell victim to build-up before meeting her. I would rather form my own opinions from my primary interactions.
Vicky: I have been very involved with gossip & don't want to do that. I avoid you a lot. I don't want to do that anymore. I'm afraid of you and afraid of criticism, that's why I said I get depressed when I talk with you. I would like to get to know you on totally different level away from landscaping. Maybe we can go to Lagoon. I want to be able to landscape. I want to get through being afraid to put a shovel in around the common house.
Vaughn: I'm going to come up and say hi, set all this aside and greet you in a different space. Friends say hi and wish each other good day. I'm tired of walking around and wanting to avoid you. I don't like myself when I feel this way. I will do everything I can to change the way I respond.
Jon: When I heard you speak about your passion for landscaping & how you suffer when you see plants being mistreated, that touched me a lot. My commitment to you is to take that more seriously, to see the land as a community member.
Gwen: One thing I really enjoyed was the half hour meeting out in garden, it was so cooperative. We all moved forward. In engaging in specific things that matter to you, we always get forward movement. The garden water wouldn't have been finished if you & Kay hadn't worked on it. Sometimes I think why don't you move away, but that's not really what I want. I want to connect with you in that focus, to meet you in spot that we both have in common & stop looking at places we don't have in common.
Lynne: I stayed away from landscaping and even work parties because it aroused uncomfortable feelings about conflict. I will be brave enough to confront feelings that come up in myself, and stay involved, quit being avoidant.
Colleen D: We both have similar feelings about caring for the land, group vs. isolation, needing to be alone, but we operate in a different way around those feelings. I have really appreciated what you have done for the community and want you to know that. I haven't expressed that to you or to the community. I have listened too much to negative things and haven't said, look what Mary has done. You have done my share as well as a lot of other people's share. Thank you.
Laird: A lot of this is appreciation, which is fine, but I am after what you will do.
Kellie: I want to have you in the role of teaching me about plants, in small steps because I can only absorb so much at a time. You have shown me a lot of kindness & assistance already. I'm offering open ears for your knowledge, and no pressure.
Steve S: There's a Hasidic proverb, "Always carry two pieces of paper around in your pocket that you take out as needed. One says, For my sake was the world created. The other says, I am nothing but ashes and dust." See that Mary gets to see the one about the world was created for my sake, more often.
Heather: I want to thank you for being here in what can only be a difficult position. The times I have found joy around you revolve around plants, seeing you and Lori joking in the garden the other day, seeing you having fun. I apologize for participating in conversations that I realized even at time were doing more to build a wall. I want to honor your eye for beauty, find a way to nurture that.
Vivian: I realized I have accepted gifts from other community members as gifts, but I sometimes took yours as trying to control me. When you give me a gift, or your time, I want to take time to acknowledge that you are giving me a gift.
Lori: I will speak up when I'm feeling angry. I will say, I will sit here and talk while you weed but I won't weed. When I feel discomfort, I will immediately say something.
Mike P: I will commit to push for a group process where your expertise is honored and a part of that process. Certainly I will continue to go to you for expertise. And continue to borrow your pick. [Laughter.]
Myste: I will be more verbally supportive of you, not just to you but with other people in the community. I will appreciate the part of you that is very caring and sensitive, so that other people know that.
Chris: I will reserve time for interaction.
Joanne: I want to thank you for the beautiful hostas in my yard. [choked up]. Mary: If I'd only known I'd have brought more. Joanne: I can support you.
Jean: I will work on giving up preconceived ideas from other people of who you are and what you would do.
Mike W: I invite you to go with us to Raging Waters this summer.
Judy: My interaction with you has always been positive. What I can do is support you, based on my own experience with you.
Amy H: When Kindness sees you out the window and says there's Mary, let's go say hi, I have said, no, Mary is busy. I will go say hi when Kindness sees you.
Mary: If anyone ever has any doubts about why they are in cohousing, today should tell them. I am not the person I want to be. I'm too much like my father. Some of my friends have code words for me, like, Was that a piece of sky that just hit the ground? to say that I am turning negative, and asking me to reframe. All of you could help me with that. Please remind me that, Mary, they are your standards, they don't belong to me. Very rarely do I ask you if you want a gift. Maybe not everyone would be delighted with a matched team of four giraffes. Because a gift is offered you don't have to accept. Remind me that I'm too opinionated and mine is one of many opinions. Don't give me power that's not mine, don't feel you have to hide or be miserable or that I can make you unhappy. Plants don't lie, they turn yellow, fall down and die. Horses don't lie, if you do something wrong you end up face down in the dirt. Speak up in that short time frame and say this happened, that happened. No place have I ever found this kind of commitment & work & caring. I value that. I value that all of you will take all that time and effort with me and for me. - Can I still pull weeds in your yards please? [Laughter] I'll ask first.
Giuliana: I want to acknowledge the integrity and genuine growth I've seen in your releasing and receiving truths. It's hard to face intolerant feelings that you don't like yourself having. [Laird asked her to make statements about herself.] I see people releasing these & it empowers me to release them in myself.
Donna: When I perceive you saying things that are negative or I perceive it as a complaint, I will try to put a positive spin and see really what you are saying & not be bogged down by the negative.
Kay: Reaching out socially is hard for me, but I will commit to set up opportunities for social interaction between Mary & community members, so you can get to know the other side of her.
Kevin to Mary: What are you going to do? I feel uncomfortable with making a commitment without a commitment from you.
Laird: I heard her offer to work with feedback that she gets, which is a stretch for her. Did others hear that? [Agreement.] [to Mary] Is that accurate?
Mary: Yes.
Laird to Kevin: Does that change things?
Kevin: Mixed.
Mary: I didn't ask if I could work with Kevin on woodchipping.
Laird: Going to translate here. Are you saying I will ask before I do that?
Mary: Yes.
Laird: Do you want more?
Kevin: Yes. Cast around the room and see if you can offer things to other individuals of a similar nature.
Laird to Mary: Are you willing?
Mary asked for suggestions from people.
Mike P: You offered to work with the community without letting your personal opinion get in the way.
Mary: Certainly.
Steve: Ask before giving a gift instead of when you show up with it.
Laird: Is that something you feel you can say, Mary?
Mary: Easily.
Kevin: Members offered very specific things they were going to do. I want everyone to get the feedback they need to feel something is different.
Laird: I'm asking you to believe that it can work, that with everyone exerting themselves it will be different. Am I promising there will be no difficulties, no backsliding? By no means.
Kevin: I'm not ready to close.
Vaughn: I feel there has been an amazing amount of healing, and I trust that there will be movement.
Paul: This is a wonderful place to end. I ask one thing, that at least one time Mary check in & say all positive things.
Laird: You are falling into directive statements. I was asked to cover consensus and conflict, I covered those. Also I was asked to cover landscaping, and kept going into undercurrents instead. I modeled ways to work with that, no real breakthroughs. I worked a little on silence equals assent. What do we have to work with to build a relationship with Mary? The important thing is not what you promise, it's what you deliver. It is your challenge and blessing that you have the opportunity to make it work. People can stay after and discuss with me what ideas I have to do next with landscaping.
Vaughn: Can we come back together this evening, is it okay with you [Laird]?
Laird: Sure.
Vaughn: Is it okay with the group? 5:00 to 7:00 you're back on.
Laird: Only landscaping, I will not entertain any thoughts to go elsewhere.
Steve S: This has reminded me I think of these things as coming to resolution. It is not about resolution. [Story about person who didn't go to events because she might get sick and need to come home in the middle. Motto embroidered on pillow] "Anything worth doing is worth doing half-assed." Every step counts. Every time it gets a little better.
Heather: I think we've put our full asses into this. I'm amazed at where we got today. Sometimes I have felt this schism around landscaping was impossible to bridge. I am grateful to have heard Mary today. Sometimes results aren't measurable in terms of actions being completed. Hearing you voice appreciation of community was huge for me. To have the kind of guidance you offer, Laird, was really important to watch and see that process & gives me a lot of hope. To have this kind of time to spend and not have to leave the difficult stuff and go home is helpful.
Donna: You taught me how we could build bridges instead of always focusing on the problems. To know not to say, I'll build a bridge and you walk across it. We build the bridge together. I liked all this reflective back.
Chris: Without a shadow of a doubt you have helped us in an effective way.
Laird: Can you say anything about what specifically was so powerful?
Chris: Hearing people talk about how they are really feeling.
Linda: I think this weekend has been really valuable to us as a group and to me specifically. The process, the knowledge, the theory of consensus and conflict management, it's left me so hungry, I want more. And I hope everyone will pay for it.
Lori: When people were saying we've done this before, we've done this before, you called us on it, then why aren't you doing it? You didn't facilitate our whining.
Gwen: I wanted for us to examine tools, here's the tools we have, here's some new tools, here's some we want to throw out. With these barriers, how do we get around them? Now we have some new tools. How we deal with proposals, first we bring issues. Dealing with conflict in a more specified way, really talking about the feelings, the story, and then looking at what we want. I have some hope that we are in a different place. I hope we won't be afraid in three to six months that we can reevaluate where we are. Did we all show up and do what we said we'd do?
Mike P: I wanted to honor your long commitment to community living. This was my vision of community living, holding retreats like this.
Paul: The meeting turned out different than I expected. The group has lots of good hearts. We have tons of more stuff to do but the valuable stuff is sharing.
Myste: I appreciated your value as modeling facilitator. I felt there was significant movement that occurred.
Colleen D: Though I'm exiting the community I still have a great deal of love for you all and want the community to succeed. Your expertise brought about something that needed to happen. We could have gone on for a long time and maybe it would happen but many more negative things could also have gone on. One reason for leaving has been this turmoil that looked like it could not be resolved. I think we are at a point now where we can move forward.
Joanne: I appreciate your helping the group act as a container for this. Bringing issues was good. We need to go back and verify our values.
Kevin: I like having an independent facilitator who freed up everyone in the group from that role. I hope the Process Committee would look at that possibility on a more regular basis in the future. I found consistent dedicated amount of time allows for progress.
Vaughn: I appreciated your courage to trust your inner guidance that allowed us to work on this. The ability of change lies in my ability to see it anew. The potential for things to be better is wonderful.
Close with song, "I've got a river of life flowing out of me, Makes the lame to walk and the blind to see, Open up the prison doors set the captives free, Oh, I've got a river of life flowing out of me." 1:30 p.m.
Community Meeting about Landscaping, June 2, 2002, Sunday, 5:00 p.m.
Facilitator: Laird Schaub. Attending: Kay, Jon, Kellie, Chris, George, Lynne, Mike P, Vicky, Bonnie, Myste, Joanne, Vaughn, Naomi, Mary, Amy T, Steve S, Linda, Hugh, Judy, Laraine. Minutes: Kay
Design Criteria for Landscaping, as Laird sees them from our Friday night discussion.
Inside this box, anything done is acceptable.
Laird clarified with the group that, for tonight, the group is not interested in considering common areas to be landscaped that aren't included in the bond.
Linda expressed wish for plants instead of all woodchips. Hugh said the city will require plants.
Hugh: I am concerned we are creating a new landscape committee.
Heather: This would be a new committee. We could build on the energy that has been generated this weekend.
George: Instead of looking at entire property, being overwhelmed, this is smaller.
Kay: Even with identical people this would not be the same landscaping committee, because we never had a mandate like this.
Bonnie: We're in a different place as far as relationships.
Mike P: Anybody concerned about the definition of attractive would need to be on this committee since it wouldn't be coming to ACMs.
Naomi: People could come to committee with concerns.
Mary: We were thinking in terms of tens and hundreds [of dollars] instead of in thousands.
Laird: Committee must allow room for input. Say we are holding a meeting on this subject this date, please attend if you have input.
Jon: I'm concerned about oversight. Consider setting up Coordinating Committee to make sure committees are getting their jobs done.
Laird: This is being discussed with Process Committee.
Steve S: I'm hoping the community will trust in this Landscape Committee in a way that's never been done before, and when this comes back for budget and timeframe it will not fall apart. Before when landscaping has come back there have been many things people could argue about. For this new committee, you can't open up the box.
Laird: Except if there is new information, like the city just passed a new ordinance.
Chris: Areas can be done by smaller groups.
Laird: Redoing the work a committee brings tells the committee they aren't valued. I'm getting a sense that the community is ready to go with this.
Amy T: The committee has never been given a budget before.
Laird: I backed away from proposal about Jerry or Jeff [contractors] because that is the committee's work. Linda, you look like you've got something to say.
Linda: We identified $30,000 that was available for landscaping, and the committee kept saying there wasn't any money.
Mike P: What might be helpful is to give us options for the group to look at for budget. Specificity and options.
Laird: Speaking as a consultant instead of as the facilitator, ask the committee to break down their budget instead of just a big number, but the community doesn't go into line items, that is micromanaging. Say, make it work for this money. That will be the most empowering thing.
Mike P: Come back with options, so much for this choice, so much for that.
Laird: See hand signs again [all thumbs up]. That's a wrap. [Applause]
Proposal consensed.
Laird: The next step is to empanel a committee with balance and mix. Not sure how to do dance about people who are not in the room [i.e., make a decision without them].
Mike P: We usually felt good if about two-thirds of community is in room. To set up a committee we generally ask for volunteers.
Laird: Who would be interested?
Chris & Kay raised hands.
Kay: Anybody interested, feel free to say I don't feel I can work with her.
Laird: Suggestions?
Nominated: Barb [not in room], Amy T, Hugh
Kellie declined, then agreed to participate as she was able.
Linda: Mary.
Mary: I would be more comfortable making written input and feel it might work better for the committee and the community.
Vivian: Myste [declined] & Lori [not in room]. I feel it is important to have a CROWN member on the committee.
Naomi: Why?
Vivian: Sometimes decisions are made around CROWN without a lot of input from us, and we can't do some things, like Management.
Naomi declined.
Kellie: How would Mary feel about being named as consultant?
Mary: I would feel honored and happy to talk any time about history or documentation.
Mike P declined.
Mary: Gwen. She has organizational drive.
Heather: Feel really uncomfortable about empaneling committee with people who aren't here.
[Got Gwen into room. Laird summarized.]
Gwen: Under two conditions. I'm released from Maintenance, and you spell my name correctly.
Laird: Okay to release her from Maintenance?
Gwen: Landscaping would be my preference.
Mary: Landscaping is temporary. Maintenance will have her back.
Group agreed to release her from Maintenance.
George: This is a large enough group without the people not in the room. One person I'm uncomfortable with being on the list is Chris, since he's uncertain he's going to be here.
Chris: I will stick around if I'm a part of something.
Laird: You feel if you agree to this you would be committing to be here for the duration of this work.
Chris: Yes.
Mary: Smaller group works more efficiently, but there are many details to pull together. More people can gather more details quickly, and people can drop out as their job finishes.
Mike P: Anybody with a lot of juice ought to be on this committee. I considered Kevin, although we've considered it unwise to have couples on a committee.
Naomi: Too many people.
Kellie: Take me out.
The people on list were consulted about size. No preference.
Mary to Vaughn: How did the ad hoc committee find their size?
Vaughn: A number of members faltered and non-members picked it up.
Bonnie: Point of process question. Discussion of size seems inappropriate.
Laird: Where else would it happen?
p>Bonnie: In the committee itself.Laird: This has been a politicized, tender, awkward area. We want a committee with balance.
Lynne: Have one person on the committee that the others will accept as facilitator.
Laird asked committee members' input.
Chris: Definitely.
Laird: Five or six people in addition to talking to Barb & Lori size & composition, do we agree among ourselves to self-organize and get it done or do we need to come back to the community and ask for help?
Chris: Barb has great organizational skills.
Kay: Lori is on process, has facilitated ACMs, facilitated landscaping, did a good job.
Hugh: Gwen has facilitated ACMs.
Lynne: I'm worried about them getting bogged down.
Laird: There is a part in the mandate about going to Process for help if needed. Are we through with that piece, can we lay it down?
Heather: I'm concerned about Chris's heavy schedule, working long hours six days a week, two-hour drive. I'm asking as community member for him to think carefully about it.
Chris: I want to work on the committee.
Laird: You're asking him to be realistic, and you're not sure in his enthusiasm that he will be. [to Chris] Is there room in your life for this?
Chris: Yes.
Vaughn: I want to give you a vote of confidence. If you get in over your head let people know.
Vivian: Let this particular group deal with it. Trust that the group won't fall apart because one person stepped out.
Steve S: Speaking as a member of Process, we are organized on different levels, and it is the responsibility of each committee to learn how to do its job. It can't sit by and let its mandate fizzle out. There is a responsibility of other members not to turn their eyes away and say, it doesn't look like it's working but I don't want to say anything.
Laird asked for thumbs. All up.
MEMBERSHIP: Gwen, Hugh, Amy T, Kay, and Chris are on the committee. They will have conversation with Lori and Barb and ask if they are interested.
Laird: How much time does the committee need to report on the budget?
Vaughn: Report at the next ACM with an estimate of the time needed for the budget.
Laird: Is that okay? That's a task for the committee.
Steve: Tuesday 7:00 meal please sign up. It's Giulie's debut.
The meeting ended 6:35.
BLAST Committee will meet Thurday June 6, 2002, 7:30 p.m., common house. Assignments: Amy will talk with Lori & Barb about being on committee. Kay will get copy of city ordinance & distribute before Thursday. Mary will get copy of plan submitted to city already.
Session 8.
Her contributions to the community have been limited by health and inclination. Her contributions have been primarily in landscaping. She is willing to step aside on common area landscaping. To some extent she is being isolated in the community, a group dynamic. Going forward without Mary is a set up for increased polarization & isolation.
Laird: Everyone reflect on their personal responsibility for why it hasn't worked. [A lot of hands.] What if anything can you offer for moving in a positive way? Where do we have hope & motivation for doing something different? Steve modeled the kind of think I am looking for, last night. This is not attached to Mary's role in landscaping, it is attached to Mary's role in the community.
Mike P: This is what we will do individually, rather than as a group?
Laird: Yes.
Paul: If Mary comes up in conversation, I won't say something negative without something positive.
Kevin: I fell victim to build-up before meeting her. I would rather form my own opinions from my primary interactions.
Vicky: I have been very involved with gossip & don't want to do that. I avoid you a lot. I don't want to do that anymore. I'm afraid of you and afraid of criticism, that's why I said I get depressed when I talk with you. I would like to get to know you on totally different level away from landscaping. Maybe we can go to Lagoon. I want to be able to landscape. I want to get through being afraid to put a shovel in around the common house.
Vaughn: I'm going to come up and say hi, set all this aside and greet you in a different space. Friends say hi and wish each other good day. I'm tired of walking around and wanting to avoid you. I don't like myself when I feel this way. I will do everything I can to change the way I respond.
Jon: When I heard you speak about your passion for landscaping & how you suffer when you see plants being mistreated, that touched me a lot. My commitment to you is to take that more seriously, to see the land as a community member.
Gwen: One thing I really enjoyed was the half hour meeting out in garden, it was so cooperative. We all moved forward. In engaging in specific things that matter to you, we always get forward movement. The garden water wouldn't have been finished if you & Kay hadn't worked on it. Sometimes I think why don't you move away, but that's not really what I want. I want to connect with you in that focus, to meet you in spot that we both have in common & stop looking at places we don't have in common.
Lynne: I stayed away from landscaping and even work parties because it aroused uncomfortable feelings about conflict. I will be brave enough to confront feelings that come up in myself, and stay involved, quit being avoidant.
Colleen D: We both have similar feelings about caring for the land, group vs. isolation, needing to be alone, but we operate in a different way around those feelings. I have really appreciated what you have done for the community and want you to know that. I haven't expressed that to you or to the community. I have listened too much to negative things and haven't said, look what Mary has done. You have done my share as well as a lot of other people's share. Thank you.
Laird: A lot of this is appreciation, which is fine, but I am after what you will do.
Kellie: I want to have you in the role of teaching me about plants, in small steps because I can only absorb so much at a time. You have shown me a lot of kindness & assistance already. I'm offering open ears for your knowledge, and no pressure.
Steve S: There's a Hasidic proverb, "Always carry two pieces of paper around in your pocket that you take out as needed. One says, For my sake was the world created. The other says, I am nothing but ashes and dust." See that Mary gets to see the one about the world was created for my sake, more often.
Heather: I want to thank you for being here in what can only be a difficult position. The times I have found joy around you revolve around plants, seeing you and Lori joking in the garden the other day, seeing you having fun. I apologize for participating in conversations that I realized even at time were doing more to build a wall. I want to honor your eye for beauty, find a way to nurture that.
Vivian: I realized I have accepted gifts from other community members as gifts, but I sometimes took yours as trying to control me. When you give me a gift, or your time, I want to take time to acknowledge that you are giving me a gift.
Lori: I will speak up when I'm feeling angry. I will say, I will sit here and talk while you weed but I won't weed. When I feel discomfort, I will immediately say something.
Mike P: I will commit to push for a group process where your expertise is honored and a part of that process. Certainly I will continue to go to you for expertise. And continue to borrow your pick. [Laughter.]
Myste: I will be more verbally supportive of you, not just to you but with other people in the community. I will appreciate the part of you that is very caring and sensitive, so that other people know that.
Chris: I will reserve time for interaction.
Joanne: I want to thank you for the beautiful hostas in my yard. [choked up]. Mary: If I'd only known I'd have brought more. Joanne: I can support you.
Jean: I will work on giving up preconceived ideas from other people of who you are and what you would do.
Mike W: I invite you to go with us to Raging Waters this summer.
Judy: My interaction with you has always been positive. What I can do is support you, based on my own experience with you.
Amy H: When Kindness sees you out the window and says there's Mary, let's go say hi, I have said, no, Mary is busy. I will go say hi when Kindness sees you.
Mary: If anyone ever has any doubts about why they are in cohousing, today should tell them. I am not the person I want to be. I'm too much like my father. Some of my friends have code words for me, like, Was that a piece of sky that just hit the ground? to say that I am turning negative, and asking me to reframe. All of you could help me with that. Please remind me that, Mary, they are your standards, they don't belong to me. Very rarely do I ask you if you want a gift. Maybe not everyone would be delighted with a matched team of four giraffes. Because a gift is offered you don't have to accept. Remind me that I'm too opinionated and mine is one of many opinions. Don't give me power that's not mine, don't feel you have to hide or be miserable or that I can make you unhappy. Plants don't lie, they turn yellow, fall down and die. Horses don't lie, if you do something wrong you end up face down in the dirt. Speak up in that short time frame and say this happened, that happened. No place have I ever found this kind of commitment & work & caring. I value that. I value that all of you will take all that time and effort with me and for me. - Can I still pull weeds in your yards please? [Laughter] I'll ask first.
Giuliana: I want to acknowledge the integrity and genuine growth I've seen in your releasing and receiving truths. It's hard to face intolerant feelings that you don't like yourself having. [Laird asked her to make statements about herself.] I see people releasing these & it empowers me to release them in myself.
Donna: When I perceive you saying things that are negative or I perceive it as a complaint, I will try to put a positive spin and see really what you are saying & not be bogged down by the negative.
Kay: Reaching out socially is hard for me, but I will commit to set up opportunities for social interaction between Mary & community members, so you can get to know the other side of her.
Kevin to Mary: What are you going to do? I feel uncomfortable with making a commitment without a commitment from you.
Laird: I heard her offer to work with feedback that she gets, which is a stretch for her. Did others hear that? [Agreement.] [to Mary] Is that accurate?
Mary: Yes.
Laird to Kevin: Does that change things?
Kevin: Mixed.
Mary: I didn't ask if I could work with Kevin on woodchipping.
Laird: Going to translate here. Are you saying I will ask before I do that?
Mary: Yes.
Laird: Do you want more?
Kevin: Yes. Cast around the room and see if you can offer things to other individuals of a similar nature.
Laird to Mary: Are you willing?
Mary asked for suggestions from people.
Mike P: You offered to work with the community without letting your personal opinion get in the way.
Mary: Certainly.
Steve: Ask before giving a gift instead of when you show up with it.
Laird: Is that something you feel you can say, Mary?
Mary: Easily.
Kevin: Members offered very specific things they were going to do. I want everyone to get the feedback they need to feel something is different.
Laird: I'm asking you to believe that it can work, that with everyone exerting themselves it will be different. Am I promising there will be no difficulties, no backsliding? By no means.
Kevin: I'm not ready to close.
Vaughn: I feel there has been an amazing amount of healing, and I trust that there will be movement.
Paul: This is a wonderful place to end. I ask one thing, that at least one time Mary check in & say all positive things.
Laird: You are falling into directive statements. I was asked to cover consensus and conflict, I covered those. Also I was asked to cover landscaping, and kept going into undercurrents instead. I modeled ways to work with that, no real breakthroughs. I worked a little on silence equals assent. What do we have to work with to build a relationship with Mary? The important thing is not what you promise, it's what you deliver. It is your challenge and blessing that you have the opportunity to make it work. People can stay after and discuss with me what ideas I have to do next with landscaping.
Vaughn: Can we come back together this evening, is it okay with you [Laird]?
Laird: Sure.
Vaughn: Is it okay with the group? 5:00 to 7:00 you're back on.
Laird: Only landscaping, I will not entertain any thoughts to go elsewhere.
Steve S: This has reminded me I think of these things as coming to resolution. It is not about resolution. [Story about person who didn't go to events because she might get sick and need to come home in the middle. Motto embroidered on pillow] "Anything worth doing is worth doing half-assed." Every step counts. Every time it gets a little better.
Heather: I think we've put our full asses into this. I'm amazed at where we got today. Sometimes I have felt this schism around landscaping was impossible to bridge. I am grateful to have heard Mary today. Sometimes results aren't measurable in terms of actions being completed. Hearing you voice appreciation of community was huge for me. To have the kind of guidance you offer, Laird, was really important to watch and see that process & gives me a lot of hope. To have this kind of time to spend and not have to leave the difficult stuff and go home is helpful.
Donna: You taught me how we could build bridges instead of always focusing on the problems. To know not to say, I'll build a bridge and you walk across it. We build the bridge together. I liked all this reflective back.
Chris: Without a shadow of a doubt you have helped us in an effective way.
Laird: Can you say anything about what specifically was so powerful?
Chris: Hearing people talk about how they are really feeling.
Linda: I think this weekend has been really valuable to us as a group and to me specifically. The process, the knowledge, the theory of consensus and conflict management, it's left me so hungry, I want more. And I hope everyone will pay for it.
Lori: When people were saying we've done this before, we've done this before, you called us on it, then why aren't you doing it? You didn't facilitate our whining.
Gwen: I wanted for us to examine tools, here's the tools we have, here's some new tools, here's some we want to throw out. With these barriers, how do we get around them? Now we have some new tools. How we deal with proposals, first we bring issues. Dealing with conflict in a more specified way, really talking about the feelings, the story, and then looking at what we want. I have some hope that we are in a different place. I hope we won't be afraid in three to six months that we can reevaluate where we are. Did we all show up and do what we said we'd do?
Mike P: I wanted to honor your long commitment to community living. This was my vision of community living, holding retreats like this.
Paul: The meeting turned out different than I expected. The group has lots of good hearts. We have tons of more stuff to do but the valuable stuff is sharing.
Myste: I appreciated your value as modeling facilitator. I felt there was significant movement that occurred.
Colleen D: Though I'm exiting the community I still have a great deal of love for you all and want the community to succeed. Your expertise brought about something that needed to happen. We could have gone on for a long time and maybe it would happen but many more negative things could also have gone on. One reason for leaving has been this turmoil that looked like it could not be resolved. I think we are at a point now where we can move forward.
Joanne: I appreciate your helping the group act as a container for this. Bringing issues was good. We need to go back and verify our values.
Kevin: I like having an independent facilitator who freed up everyone in the group from that role. I hope the Process Committee would look at that possibility on a more regular basis in the future. I found consistent dedicated amount of time allows for progress.
Vaughn: I appreciated your courage to trust your inner guidance that allowed us to work on this. The ability of change lies in my ability to see it anew. The potential for things to be better is wonderful.
Close with song, "I've got a river of life flowing out of me, Makes the lame to walk and the blind to see, Open up the prison doors set the captives free, Oh, I've got a river of life flowing out of me." 1:30 p.m.
Design Criteria for Landscaping, as Laird sees them from our Friday night discussion. Inside this box, anything done is acceptable.
Laird clarified with the group that, for tonight, the group is not interested in considering common areas to be landscaped that aren't included in the bond.
Linda expressed wish for plants instead of all woodchips. Hugh said the city will require plants.
Hugh: I am concerned we are creating a new landscape committee.
Heather: This would be a new committee. We could build on the energy that has been generated this weekend.
George: Instead of looking at entire property, being overwhelmed, this is smaller.
Kay: Even with identical people this would not be the same landscaping committee, because we never had a mandate like this.
Bonnie: We're in a different place as far as relationships.
Mike P: Anybody concerned about the definition of attractive would need to be on this committee since it wouldn't be coming to ACMs.
Naomi: People could come to committee with concerns.
Mary: We were thinking in terms of tens and hundreds [of dollars] instead of in thousands.
Laird: Committee must allow room for input. Say we are holding a meeting on this subject this date, please attend if you have input.
Jon: I'm concerned about oversight. Consider setting up Coordinating Committee to make sure committees are getting their jobs done.
Laird: This is being discussed with Process Committee.
Steve S: I'm hoping the community will trust in this Landscape Committee in a way that's never been done before, and when this comes back for budget and timeframe it will not fall apart. Before when landscaping has come back there have been many things people could argue about. For this new committee, you can't open up the box.
Laird: Except if there is new information, like the city just passed a new ordinance.
Chris: Areas can be done by smaller groups.
Laird: Redoing the work a committee brings tells the committee they aren't valued. I'm getting a sense that the community is ready to go with this.
Amy T: The committee has never been given a budget before.
Laird: I backed away from proposal about Jerry or Jeff [contractors] because that is the committee's work. Linda, you look like you've got something to say.
Linda: We identified $30,000 that was available for landscaping, and the committee kept saying there wasn't any money.
Mike P: What might be helpful is to give us options for the group to look at for budget. Specificity and options.
Laird: Speaking as a consultant instead of as the facilitator, ask the committee to break down their budget instead of just a big number, but the community doesn't go into line items, that is micromanaging. Say, make it work for this money. That will be the most empowering thing.
Mike P: Come back with options, so much for this choice, so much for that.
Proposal consensed.
Laird: The next step is to empanel a committee with balance and mix. Not sure how to do dance about people who are not in the room [i.e., make a decision without them].
Mike P: We usually felt good if about two-thirds of community is in room. To set up a committee we generally ask for volunteers.
Laird: Who would be interested?
Chris & Kay raised hands.
Kay: Anybody interested, feel free to say I don't feel I can work with her.
Laird: Suggestions?
Nominated: Barb [not in room], Amy T, Hugh.
Kellie declined, then agreed to participate as she was able.
Linda: Mary.
Mary: I would be more comfortable making written input and feel it might work better for the committee and the community.
Vivian: Myste [declined] & Lori [not in room]. I feel it is important to have a CROWN member on the committee.
Naomi: Why?
Vivian: Sometimes decisions are made around CROWN without a lot of input from us, and we can't do some things, like Management.
Naomi declined.
Kellie: How would Mary feel about being named as consultant?
Mary: I would feel honored and happy to talk any time about history or documentation.
Mike P declined.
Mary: Gwen. She has organizational drive.
Heather: Feel really uncomfortable about empaneling committee with people who aren't here.
[Got Gwen into room. Laird summarized.]
Gwen: Under two conditions. I'm released from Maintenance, and you spell my name correctly.
Laird: Okay to release her from Maintenance?
Gwen: Landscaping would be my preference.
Mary: Landscaping is temporary. Maintenance will have her back.
Group agreed to release her from Maintenance.
George: This is a large enough group without the people not in the room. One person I'm uncomfortable with being on the list is Chris, since he's uncertain he's going to be here.
Chris: I will stick around if I'm a part of something.
Laird: You feel if you agree to this you would be committing to be here for the duration of this work.
Chris: Yes.
Mary: Smaller group works more efficiently, but there are many details to pull together. More people can gather more details quickly, and people can drop out as their job finishes.
Mike P: Anybody with a lot of juice ought to be on this committee. I considered Kevin, although we've considered it unwise to have couples on a committee.
Naomi: Too many people.
Kellie: Take me out.
The people on list were consulted about size. No preference.
Mary to Vaughn: How did the ad hoc committee find their size?
Vaughn: A number of members faltered and non-members picked it up.
Bonnie: Point of process question. Discussion of size seems inappropriate.
Laird: Where else would it happen?
Bonnie: In the committee itself.
Laird: This has been a politicized, tender, awkward area. We want a committee with balance.
Lynne: Have one person on the committee that the others will accept as facilitator.
Laird asked committee members' input.
Chris: Definitely.
Laird: Five or six people in addition to talking to Barb & Lori size & composition, do we agree among ourselves to self-organize and get it done or do we need to come back to the community and ask for help?
Chris: Barb has great organizational skills.
Kay: Lori is on process, has facilitated ACMs, facilitated landscaping, did a good job.
Hugh: Gwen has facilitated ACMs.
Lynne: I'm worried about them getting bogged down.
Laird: There is a part in the mandate about going to Process for help if needed. Are we through with that piece, can we lay it down?
Heather: I'm concerned about Chris's heavy schedule, working long hours six days a week, two-hour drive. I'm asking as community member for him to think carefully about it.
Chris: I want to work on the committee.
Laird: You're asking him to be realistic, and you're not sure in his enthusiasm that he will be. [to Chris] Is there room in your life for this?
Chris: Yes.
Vaughn: I want to give you a vote of confidence. If you get in over your head let people know.
Vivian: Let this particular group deal with it. Trust that the group won't fall apart because one person stepped out.
Steve S: Speaking as a member of Process, we are organized on different levels, and it is the responsibility of each committee to learn how to do its job. It can't sit by and let its mandate fizzle out. There is a responsibility of other members not to turn their eyes away and say, it doesn't look like it's working but I don't want to say anything.
Laird asked for thumbs. All up.
MEMBERSHIP: Gwen, Hugh, Amy T, Kay, and Chris are on the committee. They will have conversation with Lori and Barb and ask if they are interested.
Laird: How much time does the committee need to report on the budget?
Vaughn: Report at the next ACM with an estimate of the time needed for the budget.
Laird: Is that okay? That's a task for the committee.
Steve: Tuesday 7:00 meal please sign up. It's Giulie's debut.
The meeting ended 6:35.
BLAST Committee will meet Thurday June 6, 2002, 7:30 p.m., common house. Assignments: Amy will talk with Lori & Barb about being on committee. Kay will get copy of city ordinance & distribute before Thursday. Mary will get copy of plan submitted to city already.
At least two differences of opinion and at least one emotional upset.
Our background experience has often been that working on conflict doesn't resolve issues, maybe boils over. [Reasons offered by group] Builds stronger relationships. Demystifies conflict. For some people conflict equals ill-health in community. If not afraid, you work on conflict at an earlier stage. Learning opportunity. Validates people's worth. Community building. Develop higher level of trust. Establish values. Upset can be information source. Feedback loop. If you insist you only accept information in a pretty package, you shoot yourself in the foot.
Taking time out can break gearlock, but there is a small envelope of time before you edit what happened in your head, when you can see your own behavior. [Story about getting his wife to start fights so he could be the victim. He could only see it when it was pointed out exactly at the time it happened.]
Find models of behavior outside your own experience instead of reinventing them. Teaching mechanism. The rest of the group, the nonprotagonists, act as a safety net. The group wisdom is greater than individual wisdom. Have to be more honest, can't spin it the same way. A third party can say things a belligerent cannot, can call a person on distortion. Support each other in moment of conflict. Step forward to facilitate as nonbelligerent.
Need a range of options how you deal with conflict.
Get them on the table. Acknowledge. Not take sides, not determine truth. Be heard.
There was usually a triggering incident. Don't see the group as a tribunal. Don't go for truth with a capital T, go for relationship. Focus on the gap between the stories.
It can be hard to take the step from a negative "story" to a positive "want". An outside observer can ask questions to draw it out, read clues based on story. Ask, Is this it? Person says yes or no. If no, try again.
This might be a place to take a break to allow a change of gears, but a break might let emotions be edited and move away from honesty. Group can decide to work on the conflict immediately, or to name feelings and decide either to let the belligerents work on it on their own or to schedule a separate group time.
If the conflict is spilling over onto the group, can have a group agreement to raise question in group, is this now group business? This will only work if it's okay to say no. Be problem solvers but not a court. A belligerent can want group to listen without necessarily wanting them to do anything, if just needs to be heard. Have boundaries around raising the question of group involvement and mechanisms in place. A "ministry committee" can be with people in conflict. Be in favor of continuing a relationship but allow the option of ending it. A belligerent is obliged to talk about the fact that the conflict affects the group, but is not obliged to talk about the conflict in group, can say no. What are the consequences if someone doesn't show up? Be explicit about the expectations of the group.
Break
Assign to the Process Committee the job of doing a proposal to create a team responsible for working with individuals. People can come to them with problems, ask what would be a friendly thing to do. Don't make an agreement to promise something you can't deliver.
What is too much? Need a process to decide that a behavior is over the line and that group cannot be nonjudgmental. Need boundaries about caretaking. What can we do? Is it worth the effort? This is a group decision. Is there energy to go forward? The group has to want to. The outcome may be the decision that it isn't a community issue.
What is the appropriate response if one belligerent isn't there? Consider when is the next opportunity for them to be there, what's the urgency of the issue?
Members may bring to the group their concern that there are interpersonal dynamics that are affecting the group adversely. The protagonists are expected to engage in a good faith effort to show up for discussion of whether the adverse dynamics make the conflict group business and what everyone wants to do.
The Process committee will come back with proposal for creation of a standing committee whose job will include
Model, thumb up yes, sideways is a stand aside.
Consensed.
Two stand asides: Chris: redundant, already have this ability, seems unnecessary to have this agreement, no opposition. Mike W: not ready to say reservations, will say at later point, but not enough to be unable to endorse this.
Note: not what you want others to do. If the first steps have gone well, you generally get a relaxation and creativity. Measurable statements. Demonstrate that they are making a good faith effort to build a bridge, something you can tell that happened. People sometimes jump over the intermediate steps from #1 to #4, and don't get good results. If you get into #4 and then cycle back into conflict, the intermediate steps haven't been finished.
Peel back from positions to discover underlying interests. Build bridges from interests.
Choices when you are upset.
Waiting to work through feelings isn't necessarily ignoring. The options aren't mutually exclusive. Changing your feelings is not saying the triggering event was okay. A key skill for a facilitator is to translate what one person says to something the other can understand.
Break. Reconvene 11:50.
Give checks for donations to cover cost of weekend to Linda, payable to Wasatch Commons or WCCA. Donations to cover food, put in tin on serving table. To purchase any book, make the check to Fellowship of International Communities, and give to Linda.
Always ask, What did we get out of being together? What is our product?
Gwen: We've been at this point for three years.
Heather: History of conflict, not illuminated in the list.
Barb: Where is leadership going to come from? Laird paraphrased: How the work is going to be coordinated.
Kevin: Same set of issues except first two for all community work.
Laird: We are at a choice point. Do we follow Heather's thread or do we ask where do we go next from list?
Vaughn: Ask Gwen what next. Gwen: Identify stumbling blocks, and remove them.
Get a clear view of what the upsets are. Not necessarily agreeing, but listening. Give room for the stories to come out, sometimes different versions of same event. Not "truth," but stories. What is at stake? A thing that is not crucial to some people may be of great consequence to someone else. Give room for things to come out. Do it for the relationship.
Paul: Error when we have common property to say one person can take it and do what they want forever, e.g., silver garden.
Laird asked Kay to respond. What is appropriate for the community to control? Kay: Where the person works, woody plants, community needs for that area. Giving up control in return for getting landscaping done. Tools that are placed in common property remain the owner's.
Laird asked Paul: Do you agree that people who do the work should have more latitude or control? Paul: Yes.
The possessiveness is the problem, not what Kay has actually done in the silver garden.
Kay has proceeded with silver garden despite ambiguity in ownership. Acting in a gray area is setting up a problem.
Kay: Issues about silver garden grew out of irises being moved from along path.
Things that can be done: Regular input solicited from community, maybe on annual basis. What happens to plants put in common areas.
Kevin: Around the common house is a core space. People see things that are around the common house differently than things that are further on the outskirts. George owns tools but doesn't say my workshop.
Mary: Gardens change. Things that don't work in one place might get moved. How much does the community micromanage? Laird: Need to have that conversation.
Linda: My sense is that there is anger around trust and ownership issues. Laird asked for specifics.
[15-minute break.]
Heather: Haven't seen a lot of openness to other people's ideas from Kay & Mary (don't see them as a unit, easier to talk to Kay). They want acknowledgment & recognition & sometimes exceptions, but she doesn't see us returning that for other people's work. Things fell apart for landscaping when irises were moved. Hard when Mary picks weeds in her yard when she's never had a conversation with her.
Mary: I see a ton of stuff other people do, workshop, spice rack, bookwork, cooking. I hear people say I have impossible standards. Was looking forward to putting irises in new bed [by common house]. Paul joined landscape committee and demanded moratorium on doing anything. Would be wonderful if took a weekend and everyone said what their vision of landscaping was. Doesn't resent hours she puts in, resents demands from community for landscaping to be completed despite inadequate labor and money.
Heather (Laird's paraphrase): These are things she hasn't heard Mary say before. Complains about things, martyrs herself, doesn't acknowledge, always critical.
Mary agreed she sees glass half empty, "didn't get anything done today."
Laird asked Mary what she could do: Sign her name to her thank you notes. So much work is anonymous, done by brownies after midnight. She didn't think she was asking for recognition. She makes choice freely to do what she does, has learned not to do it out of obligation. It's a struggle to not hold others to her standards.
Laird: Might be easier to reframe things. Instead of changing the person, change expectations about person. Hear what they say, and recalibrate it.
Heather: Heard Mary say she didn't want to be friends with members. Mary agreed she didn't have a lot of close friends. Would be nice to have a relationship where she & Heather could do community business.
Laird to Mary: What could you do? Mary: What would Heather want?
Heather: Say hello, attend community potlucks, express interest in what people are doing. Mary: If she says it's important to her then I need to work on it.
Kevin: Getting expectations even - social interaction vs. amount of trust. Would appreciate a higher level of interaction.
Mary: Has trouble learning to recognize faces, wanted to live someplace where the neighborhood was stable. Wanted to live someplace where neighbors noticed if you weren't around and would check. Liked concept of sharing tools, sharing tasks, her working in garden & someone else cooking supper.
Laird: Been a request for you to interact more, to acknowledge people.
Donna mentioned sending Mary a card after a negative interaction. Laird: If everyone waits for the other to make the first move to rapprochement, nothing happens.
Mary: Differentially remembers bad things that happen. Shut people out after bad exchange. Laird: What are you doing to change? Mary: Tries to hear compliments, remember that other people do not hold a grudge for 40 years. Laird: Can move forward without ignoring bad things.
Gwen: Had this discussion before. Do see Mary & Kay as a unit. Laird to Gwen: What would look like progress to you? Gwen: All the blocks on landscaping come from Mary & Kay. More cooperation, more community orientation. Mary: Please sit down with the proposal book and find a proposal we have blocked. Kay & I don't vote together. I'm the group's Cassandra, I see this problem & this problem. I have honored the moratorium, I have not planted things. Laird: Hearing very different stories.
[Break.]
Laird: Sense that keeping spotlight on Mary will not be productive at this point. What have you observed?
Bonnie: Appreciated validation of person inside of behavior. Huge price when not done.
Barb: Repeating back what people said. Follow thread to an end rather than losing it.
Paul: The size of the room & its setup was good.
Linda: Change from facilitator to mediator when narrowed exchange to two people.
Laird: How did four individuals feel?
Mary: Kept interaction very protective of individual. Kept discussion on track while validating other person's concerns.
Heather: Very protective.
Paul: Saying things back to him helped him hear how he was stuck.
Kay: Rephrasing and checking back with person very helpful.
Steve: Starting with issue. Not about fixing, about finding out.
Gwen: Asking people how they can move out of where they are.
Laird: Easy to keep seeing someone's actions fit your image. Asking them to do something specific differently gives you something that contradicts the image.
Mary: Always looking for common ground & agreement.
Jon: Inside facilitator has potential problems in dealing with conflict between two members, since he has to live there, may have his own background & baggage.
Laird: Important to create supportive environment, remember that group empowered facilitator.
Design criteria for landscaping, based on what Laird heard Friday night.
Donna: Don't believe group has design criteria, but will take these.
Gwen: Similar to other boxes we've had [boundaries within which anything done would be acceptable].
9)
Mike P: Frustrated that as a group that we can't get past difficulties with Mary (not his own, feels has good relationship).
Barb: Would like to get something accomplished.
Paul: Would be nice to get tools to work on issues. Issues will still be here tomorrow, but if we have tools we can work on them.
Jean: Good to have bigger criteria rather who does what.
Laird: Everything he tries somebody says we already know that. Then why aren't you doing it? He wants to talk to Mary tonight before coming back to those issues. Floor open for those who haven't said much.
Vicky: Here with people who spoke. Glad Mary & Kay were here.
Judy: Has stayed away from ACMs. This was good facilitation of people's feelings.
Myste: Appreciated openness & honesty of people. Working through process as a community is the important thing, not what we accomplish this weekend.
Lori: Learn to facilitate so meetings are better, safer. How to move forward despite strong individuals (not necessarily Mary & Kay).
Amy: Appreciate energy you bring to group. Being an outside facilitator has helped people air things.
Vaughn: Want to thank Mary & Kay for coming. Has been angry with them, trying to figure out how to not get his buttons pushed.
Joanne: Easy to get into seeing people in same boxes. Useful to see them from another viewpoint, hear pain from all the people involved.
Steve S: Got to hear more about who Mary is, easier to understand where she's coming from. How much diversity are we willing to embrace? Stretch notions so Mary's notions have a place in the community. Might have an extreme position, but he has areas in his own life that he demands to be in an extreme position.
Kellie: Chris coming in just at end, at tender moment, felt unsafe.
Giulie: Every time she comes the community has changed so much. Blessed to have opportunity to have been younger and come to greater maturity here.
George gave report on his demonstration.
Jon: How did Chris feel about Kellie's comment?
Chris: Sorry missed earlier. Hard to jump in as a new person when don't know full story.
Everyone holding hands for closing. 5:10.
Start 9:00 a.m.
Started with song, "We come from da mountain." Split into groups of three to answer 1) how are you, and 2) what do you want to get out of the meeting.
To function by consensus we need to unlearn a lot of things that all the institutions in the culture reinforce. We need to learn to disagree without fighting.
1) Raise hand before speaking.
2) Use stack, but will occasionally put stack on hold to follow a thread or to call on someone who hasn't spoken.
3) Silence equals assent.
4) The facilitator is everyone's ally.
5) Laird has an "agreement prejudice." Culture focuses on disagreement. Job is to see links, put things together, move forward.
6) Emotions are okay, aggression is not.
7) If the group in doubt what to do, the facilitator will decide.
8) If something is confusing, ask.
9) Laird is here in a dual capacity as facilitator and consultant. He will be pushing the agenda, which a facilitator is not supposed to do.
Question from member re silence = consent. Some people may not be verbal or may aget run over. Wanting to move forward may override reservations. Laird: Consensus comes from two threads - Quaker and Native American. Most groups use the Quaker model in which silence is consent. The Native American model assumes silence is disagreement.
Western culture usually uses Robert's Rules of Order, about 100 years old. Quaker consensus is about 300 years old. Consensus thrives on curiosity - I already know what I think, but what does everyone else think? What can I learn?
When someone has an emotional reaction to something, you can pay now or pay later. A strong emotional reaction creates distortion. A person's reaction is information, not necessarily good or bad. Meetings are not therapy, but ignoring the full content (which includes emotions) can lead to bad decisions or bad implementation. Make room to find out what is making someone ambivalent. How efficiently you make decisions is based not on how much time you take but whether you actually finish with the topic. Dealing with emotions that come out when you make a space takes skill.
Paul got permission to record.
Discussion can happen in many many ways. Note proposal is #4 not #1. The trap in proposal being first is that there is investment in the proposal and you have shaped and limited the direction you can go. The proposal should arise out of a full consideration. Might have some standard by which some issue gets onto the agenda - get a coherent presentation. What are the group implications of the issue? Can address separate issues simultaneously. There may be group issues that need to be addressed in a matter that is under a particular committee's purview. There can be checkbacks or not in delegation - that needs to be decided in the group whether there should be checkbacks on a particular issue. Coordinating committee is gatekeeper, can also help people frame the issue. Carefully set up to be balanced, representative of community.
If the quality of discussion is high, there is a softening of positions. Haste does not help. What happens when a decision is not one you can live with but not a violation of common values? Sometimes the community needs to weigh the cost of a decision, if a member cannot live with a decision that isn't against common values. It isn't a failure to make an exemption for someone from a decision - the group can consense to do this.
Break for lunch 11:45. Reconvene 1:00. Sing African song.
Start 9:00 a.m.
Started with song, "We come from da mountain." Split into groups of three to answer 1) how are you, and 2) what do you want to get out of the meeting.
To function by consensus we need to unlearn a lot of things that all the institutions in the culture reinforce. We must learn to disagree without fighting.
Question re silence = consent. Some people may not be verbal or may get run over. Wanting to move forward may override reservations. Laird: Consensus comes from two threads - Quaker and Native American. Most groups use the Quaker model in which silence is consent. The Native American model assumes silence is disagreement.
Western culture usually uses Robert's Rules of Order, about 100 years old. Quaker consensus is about 300 years old. Consensus thrives on curiosity - I already know what I think, but what does everyone else think? What can I learn?
When someone has an emotional reaction to something, you can pay now or pay later. A strong emotional reaction creates distortion. A person's reaction is information, not necessarily good or bad. Meetings are not therapy, but ignoring the full content (which includes emotions) can lead to bad decisions or bad implementation. Make room to find out what is making someone ambivalent. How efficiently you make decisions is based not on how much time you take but whether you actually finish with the topic. Dealing with emotions that come out when you make a space takes skill.
Paul got permission to record.
The coordinating committee is a gatekeeper, and can also help people frame the issue. It should be carefully set up to be balanced and representative of the community.
What happens when a decision is not one you can live with but not a violation of common values? Sometimes the community needs to weigh the cost of a decision, if a member cannot live with a decision that isn't against common values.
Break for lunch 11:45.
Reconvene 1:00. Sing African song.
Always ask, What did we get out of being together? What is our product?
Some common themes that Laird saw in our discussion Friday night:
Gwen: We've been at this point for three years.
Heather: There is a history of conflict, not illuminated in the list.
Barb: Where is leadership going to come from?
Laird paraphrased: How the work is going to be coordinated.
Kevin: There is the same set of issues except the first two for all community work.
Laird: We are at a choice point. Do we follow Heather's thread or do we ask where do we go next from list?
Vaughn: Ask Gwen what next.
Gwen: Identify the stumbling blocks, and remove them.
Get a clear view of what the upsets are. Not necessarily agreeing, but listening. Give room for the stories to come out, sometimes different versions of same event. Not "truth," but stories. What is at stake? A thing that is not crucial to some people may be of great consequence to someone else. Give room for things to come out. Do it for the relationship.
Laird asked for stumbling blocks.
Paul: It's an error when we have common property to say one person can take it and do what they want forever, for example, the silver garden.
Laird asked Kay: What is appropriate for the community to control?
Kay: Where the area the person works on is, woody plants, the community needs for that area. The community gives up design control in return for getting landscaping done. Tools that are placed in common property remain the owner's.
Laird asked Paul: Do you agree that people who do the work should have more latitude or control?
Paul: Yes. The possessiveness is the problem, not what Kay has actually done in the silver garden.
Laird: Kay has proceeded with silver garden despite ambiguity in ownership. Acting in a gray area is setting up a problem.
Kay: Issues about silver garden grew out of irises being moved from along path.
Things that Kay can do: Give updates & solicit regular input from community, maybe on annual basis. The group needs to discuss, what happens to plants put in common areas?
Kevin: Around the common house is a core space. People see things that are around the common house differently than things that are further on the outskirts. George owns tools but doesn't say my workshop.
Mary: Gardens change. Things that don't work in one place might get moved. How much does the community micromanage?
Laird: Need to have that conversation.
Linda: My sense is that there is anger around trust and ownership issues.
Laird asked for specifics.
[15-minute break.]
Heather: I haven't seen a lot of openness to other people's ideas from Kay & Mary (I don't see them as a unit, I find it easier to talk to Kay). They want acknowledgment & recognition & sometimes exceptions, but I doesn't see them returning that for other people's work. Things fell apart for landscaping when irises were moved. Mary picks weeds in my yard before I've ever had a conversation with her.
Mary: I see a ton of stuff other people do, workshop, spice rack, bookwork, cooking. I hear people say I have impossible standards. I was looking forward to putting the irises in a new bed [by the common house]. Paul joined the landscape committee and demanded a moratorium on doing anything. It would be wonderful if we took a weekend and everyone said what their vision of landscaping was. I don't resent the hours I put in, I do resent demands from the community for landscaping to be completed despite inadequate labor and money.
Heather (Laird's paraphrase): These are things she hasn't heard Mary say before. She complains about things, martyrs herself, doesn't acknowledge, is always critical.
Mary: I see the glass half empty. I say that I "didn't get anything done today" after working ten hours.
Laird asked Mary what she could do.
Mary: I can sign my name to my thank you notes. So much work is anonymous, done by brownies after midnight. I didn't think I was asking for recognition. I make the choice freely to do what I do, I have learned not to do it out of obligation. It's a struggle to not hold others to my standards.
Laird: It might be easier to reframe things. Instead of changing the person, change the expectations about the person. Hear what they say, and recalibrate it [to account for strong emotions or exaggeration].
Heather: I heard Mary say she didn't want to be friends with members.
Mary: I don't have a lot of close friends. A friend is someone you would give your life savings or a kidney to. It would be nice to have a relationship where Heather & I could do community business.
Laird to Mary: What could you do?
Mary: What would Heather want?
Heather: Say hello, attend community potlucks, express an interest in what people are doing.
Mary: If she says it's important to her then I need to work on it.
Kevin: Getting expectations even - social interaction vs. amount of trust. I would appreciate a higher level of interaction.
Mary: I have trouble learning to recognize faces, I wanted to live someplace where the neighborhood was stable. My aunt died and it was a month before anyone found her body. I wanted to live where neighbors noticed if you weren't around and would check. I liked concept of sharing tools, sharing tasks, working in garden & someone else cooking supper.
Laird: There has been a request for you to interact more, to acknowledge people.
Lori: I went to Lagoon with Mary, we had fun.
Donna: I sent Mary a card after the meeting where I [metaphorically] threw up on her.
Laird: If everyone waits for the other to make the first move, nothing happens.
Mary: I throw away compliments and keep negative comments. I shut people out after a bad exchange.
Laird: What are you doing to change?
Mary: I will try to hear compliments. I will remember that other people do not hold a grudge for 40 years.
Laird: It's possible to move forward without ignoring bad things.
Gwen: We've had this discussion before. I do see Mary & Kay as a unit.
Laird to Gwen: What would look like progress to you?
Gwen: All the blocks on landscaping come from Mary & Kay. I would like more cooperation, more community orientation.
Mary: Please sit down with the proposal book and find a proposal we have blocked. Kay & I don't vote together. I'm the group's Cassandra, I see problems. I have honored the moratorium, I have not planted things, I have reminded others when they were planting.
Laird: I'm hearing very different stories.
[Break.]
Laird: I sense that keeping the spotlight on Mary will not be productive at this point. What have you observed during the meeting?
Bonnie: I appreciated the validation of the person inside of behavior. There's a huge price when that is not done.
Barb: Repeating back what people said. You follow a thread to an end rather than losing it.
Paul: The size of the room & its setup was good.
Linda: You change from facilitator to mediator when you narrow an exchange to two people.
Laird: How did the four individuals feel?
Mary: You kept the interaction very protective of the individual. You kept the discussion on track while validating the other person's concerns.
Heather: Very protective.
Paul: Saying things back to me helped me hear how I was stuck.
Kay: Rephrasing and checking back with person was very helpful.
Steve: Starting with issue. Not about fixing, about finding out.
Gwen: Asking people how they can move out of where they are.
Laird: It is easy to keep seeing someone's actions fit your image. Asking them to do something specific gives you something that contradicts the image.
Mary: You are always looking for common ground & agreement.
Jon: An inside facilitator has potential problems in dealing with conflict between two members. I have to live there, have my own background & baggage.
Laird: It is important to create a supportive environment, to remember that the group empowered the facilitator.
Design criteria for landscaping, based on what Laird heard Friday night.
Donna: I don't believe the group has any design criteria, but I will take these.
Gwen: This is similar to other boxes we've had [boxes = boundaries within which anything done would be acceptable].
Paul: It should be attractive.
Mike P: I'm frustrated that as a group that we can't get past difficulties with Mary -- not my own difficulties, I feel I have a good relationship.
Barb: I would like to get something accomplished.
Paul: It would be nice to get tools to work on issues. The issues will still be here tomorrow, but if we have tools we can work on them.
Jean: It is good to have bigger criteria rather than who does what.
Laird: Everything I try somebody says we already know that. Then why aren't you doing it? I want to talk to Mary tonight before coming back to those issues.
Floor open for those who haven't said much.
Vicky: I've been here with people who spoke. I'm glad Mary & Kay were here.
Judy: I have stayed away from ACMs. This was good facilitation of people's feelings.
Myste: I appreciated openness & honesty of people. Working through process as a community is the important thing, not what we accomplish this weekend.
Lori: Learn to facilitate so meetings are better, safer. How to move forward despite strong individuals (not necessarily Mary & Kay).
Amy: I appreciate the energy you bring to the group. Having an outside facilitator has helped people air things.
Vaughn: I want to thank Mary & Kay for coming. I have been angry with them. I'm trying to figure out how to not get my buttons pushed.
Joanne: It is easy to get into seeing people in same boxes. It is useful to see them from another viewpoint, to hear pain from all the people involved.
Steve S: I got to hear more about who Mary is, it is easier to understand where she's coming from. How much diversity are we willing to embrace? We can stretch our notions so Mary's notions have a place in the community. Mary might have an extreme position, but I have areas in my own life that I demand to be in an extreme position.
Kellie: Chris coming in just at end, at tender moment, felt unsafe.
Giulie: Every time I come the community has changed so much. I am blessed to have the opportunity to have been younger and come to greater maturity here.
Vaughn: I want to hear how George's demonstration went. [George gave a report.]
Jon: How did Chris feel about Kellie's comment?
Chris: I'm sorry I missed earlier. It is hard to jump in as a new person when you don't know the full story.
Everyone holding hands for closing. 5:10.
April 25, 2020